The challenges of a nanny/parent relationship.

I recently calculated how many nannies we had before starting the agency and I'm ashamed to admit that it was more than ten. I think five of them were during the first year alone! Gradually as we became more experienced with the hiring process our nannies started to stay longer. In reality, we lowered our expectations and increased the hourly rate from $10 to $12.

You see, we had this image in our minds of 'Nanny'. You know....the nanny who magically cares for the children perfectly while at the same time doing the laundry, preparing their organic steamed vegetables and feeding the cat (very ashamed to admit the last one) all for $10 an hour.

The relationship between a nanny and the parents of the children she cares for can be a challenge. Oh, not to begin with of course. Its normally perfect for the first few months and then the troubles arise. In a way, it can be compared to a marriage. We start with the honeymoon period when everyone loves everyone; the nanny always arriving early and doing more work than expected and the parents going out of their way to make sure the nanny is happy and enjoying her work.

Then we follow up with the cooling off period, normally a few months down the line when everyone settles into a routine. Nanny arrives on time....most days, and the parents begin asking the nanny to take on extra chores "would you mind taking the dog to the vet today?" or "could you get dinner started because we'll be back late (again) tonight".

Finally the relationship can go one of two ways. Either, the nanny leaves or gets fired or both parties are able to communicate, share their woes and come to some arrangement to ensure that everyone is happy. Ultimately, the later option normally leads to the most successful long-term nanny placements because both the nanny and parents come to the realization that no relationship is perfect and there are bound to be differences of opinion along the way.

Open communication and managing expectations are the key components of hiring a good nanny. Before a job offer is made, everyone must be completely clear on all aspects of the job including responsibilities, pay, time off, house rules etc. For example, if parents don't want their children watching television during the day this should be clearly stated. Also, in terms of pay parents need to be sure they are offering the going rate and nannies must learn to be assertive and ask for what they need. A family/nanny work agreement is always a good idea.

At the agency, we take many steps to ensure that the family/nanny match is as close to perfect as possible. But even the best nannies and families can have differences. The best approach is to address a problem as soon as it arises and schedule a time to talk when everyone is calm, preferably without the children around. State your case and avoid making it personal and always, ALWAYS suggest a couple of solutions to overcome the problem.

After school

When I found out I was pregnant with triplets (boys no less) I spent many a happy hour imagining my idyllic future with them. I always had this particularly vision of the three of them getting off the school bus, running into my arms, delighted to be home. Then we would all sit down around a table, have a (healthy and nutritious) snack and play a lovely game of Candyland.

Hmmmm.... not quite.

In reality, my children are exhausted when they get off the bus and I even got that part wrong because I drive them to and from school now. They don't like the bus anymore and they are only in Kindergarten! The healthy snack has been replaced with dinner because by the time we get home its 4:20 and they are hungry, irritable and just want to plop in front of the TV and watch cartoons.

I've come to the sad conclusion that school is a whole new business for our youngest generation. A very serious business. By the end of Kindergarten our children are now expected to be able to read and write and sit quietly. All day. And, they better be sure to leave gaps between their words, write in a straight line and know how to spell at least 30 words.

In my opinion, children need more of a balance between academic work and play time. After all, we know that children who are allowed to express themselves through imaginative play do better in the long run and boys especially need plenty of exercise, preferably outdoors if they are going to learn anything (I call it brain therapy).

So anyway, back to the topic of after school, my advice is to allow your children some downtime when they get home. Let them choose what they want to do and if that means watching TV for forty minutes then so be it. Encourage them to play outside or take them to a local park but try not to over schedule them with after-school activities. They are on task all day long so give them what they really need when they get home...their freedom (and it doesn't cost a penny!).